How to Save the Rec Center

By Fiona Morrissey

The Rec Center is a disgrace to the community. By not generating enough hard cash, it has become a heavy burden on the county. So Parks and Planning have graciously given it three years to start making money, otherwise the Center is toast. For those among us who feel that this is unfair, I say shame on you for doubting the wisdom and experience of Parks and Planning.

Is it any wonder the Center is struggling to get by? Ballet lessons, civic meetings, birthday parties, and — God help us — church groups. Folks, we need to raise the stakes here. To turn an embarrassment into a profitable enterprise, the time has come to implement a more aggressive marketing strategy. Here are some ideas that just might do the trick.

Gang Appreciation Night

Invite leaders from various gangs to speak on the benefits of joining up. Membership forms will be by the door.

Start A Distillery

Hit the liquor stores with Rachel Carson Organic Whiskey.

Bare-Knuckle Boxing

Revive this noble sport! Enjoy the spectacle of broken noses, torn and bleeding flesh, knockouts, and flying teeth.

Dog-Fighting

If your pooches are too timid, round up the local strays and let the fur fly.

Burlesque Night

Calling all hot-blooded males! Watch scantily clad young ladies sing and dance. (The kitchen area will be screened off for more intimate pursuits.) Officials from Parks and Planning get free passes and a bottle of Rachel Carson Whiskey.

If you have any other ideas on how the save the Rec Center, please call Fiona at [number redacted]. ■